THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual
honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's
winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled
over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall
and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing g a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between
the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating
in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket
and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was
found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never
been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....
(ouch....ouch......ouch!!!!!!)
Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving
once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to
straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay,
one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with
Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and
tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball
washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in
a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped
open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez
broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro
shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave
the course.
NOTE:
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.
